Marijuana Madness - Stoner Jokes
A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!" The Fireman asked "How do we get there?"
The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck!"
Two old dudes are sittin' around coolin' it. One say to the other, "Whatcha thinkin' 'bout, Man?"
"Oh, I was just reminiscin' 'bout Woodstock".
"Man?!!? You wuz never at Woodstock!"
Some stoned dude walks into the 7-11. He goes up to the man behind the counter and says "got any weed?"
He says "no!"
So the stoner leaves.
The stoner comes back and asks the guy behind the counter "Hey you got any weed?"
The man says "No I told you yesterday, we don't sell weed here."
So the Stoner leaves again.
The stoner walks in the next day and says "Got any weed?"
The clerk behind the counter says, "Look you fuckin burnout we don't sell weed here, if you come in here again, I'm goin to nail your fuckin teeth to the floor!!!"
So the stoner leaves.
He comes in the next day. "You got any nails?"
"No", the clerk replies.
The stoner looks at him in the eyes and says, "You got any weed?"
This guy buys some really good stuff. he comes home, rolls a good-sized joint, and starts to decide where to hide the rest of the pot in his room.
"Ok I'll hide it under the table," he says to himself. So he hides it under the table. then he thinks for a minute. "Wait if the cops come they'll ask me:"
"Do you have any marijuana?"
"Do you have it under the table?"
And I'll be all fucked up. Well I'll hide it under the bed." ...then he thinks for a minute... "No, wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:"
"Do you have any marijuana?"
"Do you have it under the table?"
"Do you have it under the bed?"
"And I'd be all fucked up. Well, then I'll hide it on the bookshelf...But wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:"
"Do you have any marijuana?"
"Do you have it under the table?"
"Do you have it under the bed?"
"Do you have it..."
"OH FUCK!!! WHERE DID I HIDE IT??........"
A stoner finds a poor person on the street and helps him up. The poor person says, "Son, I'm a genie. And since you helped me I'll give you three wishes."
The stoner says, "I want a six-inch joint!" The genie says, "Okay!" POOF! They stuff a six-inch joint and smoke it between the two of them. "What's the second wish? asks the genie. "I want a twelve-inch joint," says the stoner. "Okay," says the genie. POOF! And they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them. "And the third wish?" "I want a twenty-inch joint!!" POOOF!! So, they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them. Finally, the genie gets up and says, "Okay, it's time for me to go."
The genie takes a couple of steps, pauses, turns around and says, "Okay, just one more wish."
There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, Man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.
These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.
The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."
The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable.
The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.
The second guy says, "It's the women, i could never stay faithful to my wife."
The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.
The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up."
The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. he goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.
One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. "i'll never drink again!" he says.
The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams.
The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.
The devil then comes to the third door. he opens it and sees nothing has changed. the stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The Devil asks him if he's learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "You gotta light, man?"
TEN REASONS WHY "SCOOBY DOO" WAS A DRUG-INFLUENCED CARTOON:
- Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scoob and Shaggy.
- Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies.
- Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who could hear him and understand him.
- Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that was intended for the monster because they were tripping over themselves and couldn't see where they were going.
- They were always deluded and warped by thinking they were dressed up in some costumes and entertained the monster.
- Shaggy always said "like" to the extreme, i.e. "like ZOIKS, Scoob, let's get outta here!!" What's a ZOIK?
- Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones in the back of the van (doing who knows what).
- They drove around in the MYSTERY MACHINE, which had that weird trippy design on it's side.
- Shaggy and Scooby were always giddy and laughing.
- Look at Shaggy; the way he dressed, his goatee, etc., 'nuff said.
An out-of-work hippe from Boulder gets a letter in the mail that appears to be from Chicago. It's from one of his friends that moved to chicago and got a job. The hippie reads the letter, and it says, "Chicago is great! The money grows on trees!" The hippie takes the phrase literally, and says to himself, "The money grows on trees? Wow! I'm going to chicago!"
He gets off the bus and walks up to the first tree he sees. Lo and behold, there are $20 bills hanging off the branches!
He starts to reach up and grab a few hundred dollars, but he says to himself, "Not today. I'm not working my first day in Chicago!!!"
Q: How do you hide money from a hippie?
A: Put it under the soap.
Q: How do you hide pot from a hippie?
A: Put it in his work boots.
Q: What do you call 20 female hippies in a sauna?
A: Gorillas in the mist.
Q. What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
A. Politicians don't inhale...they just suck.
Did you hear about the stoners that locked their keys in the car ? It took them two hours to get out.
Q. How do you get a one armed hippie out of a tree ?
A. You pass him a joint.
Q. What do you get when you eat marijuana ?
A. A pot belly
Q. What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs ?
A. Double jointed.
Two stoners are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls. One says to the other i sure wish i could do that. The other stoner says you better get to know him better first.
Q. How do fish party ?
Q. What do you call one bowl between three tokers ?
Q. What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock ?
A. A Liar.
Q. How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?
A. When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.
Stoner good fortune: When you are cleaning your room and find some hooch you forgot about.
Stoner Pick-up Line: Hey i have a 9 inch joint.
You might be a stoner if your bong gets washed more than your dishes.
There is a thin line between love and hate. Its starts about halfway through the joint.
Reality is an illusion caused by the lack of good pot.
Q. What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner ?
A. The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the stoner will wait for it to turn green.
Q. Why did the pot head plant cheerios ?
A: He thought they were donut seeds.
Two stoners were walking and saw a fly on a pile of crap. One stoner says to the other- Wow he had to go bad.
The stoner went to a bar. He has'nt had any nookie in awhile. He saw this chick leaning on the cigarette machine in a dark corner and decided to talk to her. Hey baby i know this is a little forward but i dont get out much so im willing to take a chance. Why dont me and you go to your place and get stoned, maybe cuddle and make a little whoopie. She looked up at the stoner and said - I cant right now, im on my menstrual cycle. The stoner scratched his head and thought for a second - it's ok I'll follow you, I'm on my honda.
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he explained,"pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"
Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? Now that's absurd!"
"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
This is a story to tell someone when they're high.
Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Thursday, which is Good friday, we're having a Father's Day party for mother's only. Admission is free, pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor.
A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, "Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?"
"Nothing," sighed the little guy despondently. "You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then had to go into my house but I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison..."
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.
To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love alchol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alchol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.
To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of georgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.
The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".
100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hidingmarijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They searchthe shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, butfind no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."
A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.
He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.
The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"
- Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
- Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
- Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
- Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
- Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.
- Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers.
A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"
A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"
So two potheads have been charged with possession :-( and both plead "no contest." The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users. (Must have been a first offense.) They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs. The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says Hizzoner, since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics. "How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the head. "I just show them: 'O' - This is your brain; 'o' - this is your brain on drugs."
"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second head, he says, "And how did you fare?" "Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed." "And how did you manage that?" "Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people: 'o' - this is your asshole; 'O' - THIS is your asshole in prison."
A light weight will say, "Take me home I'm stoned." An everyday toker will say, "Take me home I'm ripped. A stoner would say, "Take me stoned, I'm home." And the other person would reply, "Me stoned I'm too."
The Pot Paradox: An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!
Q. How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree? A. Wave.
You ever hear the one about the pothead that studied for five days for a urine test?
Q. What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale? A. Mr. President.
Limerick: There once was a bud named B.C. He grew on a 7 foot tree Till one day I plucked him Rolled him&smoked him And now I can barely see!
One bong hit, Two bong hit, Three bong hit, Floor
One day, I was really stoned and drunk at a friend's house. I walked up to her and said, "You need to pick your weed up, man. Someone is going to trip on it."
Q. How many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse? A. None. Alligators can't fly.
A woman was complaining about how the "time of the month" made her hungry. "I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal," she said. This guy overhearing her said, "That's funny... usually when I have the munchies, it's home-grown-al."
A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, "What time is it?" The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, "It's 4:20." The stranger said, "You're sure it's 4:20?" The stoner lifted up his horse's balls again and said, "Yup, its 4:20!" The guy says, "How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse's balls?" The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, "You see that clock over there?"
Why do people have lawn mowers? Because cows don't fit in the garage.
Q: What's the point of a weed wacker? A: Weed wackers need to wack it too!
This white stoner guy is heading off to Jamaica for a week with his buddies. His fiancee, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis. He agrees and does so. When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiancee and he leaves for Jamaica. One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him. The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting! I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too!" The Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis to take a leak and it says, "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"
Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? A: A pot hole!
A: stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "I think I'm gonna pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill so he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill when he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground so he walked over to him the drunk looks up and says how did you make it without getting hurt the stoner said I pretended I was a joint!
Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said,
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor.
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example.
Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're QUEER, ain't ya?"
Question: What do you call a circle of blondes?
Answer: A dope ring.
I woz here, but now I'm not,
I'm round da corner smokin' pot!
I've wrote this message 2 prove a point,
Life is shit without a joint!
To err is human, to spark up divine....
Question: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu?
Pot will get you through times with no money, better then money will get you through times with no pot....
OK, so... it's Jesus and he sees that planet earth is going down the drain and the reason is because so many people die because of something called... drugs. So he has to know about this kind of shit so he calls all the Apostles and tells them that they have to go down to earth to see for themselves what is going on and then go back to Heaven and report to Jesus... The Apostles go to different places on earth and after some time they come back to report what they saw. John comes and Jesus asks him "What did you find Johnny boy?" John: "I've got some funny stuff, that's called hash..." Jesus: "Oh yeah? Let me try it to see what makes people like it..." he tries it and... he likes it! Then Paul comes with some cocaine... Jesus tries it and he likes that too!!! Then comes Peter with some LSD and Jesus is fucking stoned... He tries all kinds of dope from each and every one of the Apostles and in the end he welcomes Judas with a huge stoned smile... "Sssooooo..... Judas, my brother" he says, "What did you bring?" Judas: "Err... I brought the cops..."
These 2 guys are chatting:
Guy One: "I love to smoke hash."
Guy Two: "Yea me too, but I heard it causes short term memory loss."
Guy One: "I've never seemed to have any problem with that."
Guy Two: "A problem with what?"
I'm not as think as you stoned I am....
Stoners live and stoners die,
But in the end we all get high,
So, if at first you don't suceed,
Fuck this world and smoke some weed.
Question: What does Andy Pandy get when he goes down on Raggidy Ann?
Answer: Cotton Mouth.
Don't drink and drive, When you can Smoke and fly!