Dr Madness
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, “How much for that TV set in the window?” The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, “I don’t sell stuff to potheads.” So the stoner tells the owner that he’ll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, “I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?” And the owner says, “I told you I don’t sell to potheads!” So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, “How much for that TV?” The owner says, “I’m not going to tell you again, I don’t sell to potheads!!!” The stoner looks back at the owner and says, “How can you tell I’m a pothead?” The owner looks back and says, “Because that’s a microwave.”
A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, “Got any weed?” The man politely replied, “Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here.” So he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, “Got any weed?” The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, “No sir. We don’t sell marijuana.” So the man went home.
He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, “Got any weed?” By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, “You freakin’ refer-lovin’, pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don’t sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I’ll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops.” So the stoner left.
The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, “Got any nails?” The man hesitated, then replied, “um, no sir, we don’t sell nails here.” The stoner grinned. “Got any weed?”
Confucious Quotes
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers.
A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home. One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says “Call me an ambulance!” The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, “You’re an ambulance!”
A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. “Today is your lucky day!” said the pixie. “I’m gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?” The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, “I want a never-ending joint.” So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, “…And number two?” The hippie replies, “This is so cool man! Gimme another one!”
So two potheads have been charged with possession 🙁 and both plead “no contest.” The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users. (Must have been a first offense.) They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they’ve gotten off drugs. The first guy says, “Twenty-four!” “Amazing,” says Hizzoner, since that’s about 12,000 times better than the statistics. “How’d you do it?” “Simple,” says the head. “I just show them: ‘O’ – This is your brain; ‘o’ – this is your brain on drugs.”
“Impressive,” says the judge. Turning to the second head, he says, “And how did you fare?” “Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed.” “And how did you manage that?” “Kinda the same as the other guy, ‘cept I told people: ‘o’ – this is your asshole; ‘O’ – THIS is your asshole in prison.”
A light weight will say, “Take me home I’m stoned.” An everyday toker will say, “Take me home I’m ripped. A stoner would say, “Take me stoned, I’m home.” And the other person would reply, “Me stoned I’m too.”
The Pot Paradox: An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!
Q. How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree? A. Wave.
You ever hear the one about the pothead that studied for five days for a urine test?
Q. What do you call a pothead that doesn’t inhale? A. Mr. President.
Limerick: There once was a bud named B.C. He grew on a 7 foot tree Till one day I plucked him Rolled him&smoked him And now I can barely see!
One bong hit, Two bong hit, Three bong hit, Floor
One day, I was really stoned and drunk at a friend’s house. I walked up to her and said, “You need to pick your weed up, man. Someone is going to trip on it.”
Q. How many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse? A. None. Alligators can’t fly.
A woman was complaining about how the “time of the month” made her hungry. “I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal,” she said. This guy overhearing her said, “That’s funny… usually when I have the munchies, it’s home-grown-al.”
A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, “What time is it?” The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, “It’s 4:20.” The stranger said, “You’re sure it’s 4:20?” The stoner lifted up his horse’s balls again and said, “Yup, its 4:20!” The guy says, “How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse’s balls?” The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, “You see that clock over there?”
Why do people have lawn mowers? Because cows don’t fit in the garage.
Q: What’s the point of a weed wacker? A: Weed wackers need to wack it too!
This white stoner guy is heading off to Jamaica for a week with his buddies. His fiancee, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis. He agrees and does so. When his penis isn’t erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man’s penis says good-bye to her fiancee and he leaves for Jamaica. One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him. The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, “Wow, that’s really interesting! I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too!” The Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis to take a leak and it says, “Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!”
Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? A: A pot hole!
A: stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, “I think I’m gonna pretend I’m a bottle and just roll down the hill so he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill when he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground so he walked over to him the drunk looks up and says how did you make it without getting hurt the stoner said I pretended I was a joint!
Two rednecks decided they weren’t going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic. “What’s Logic?” the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?” “I sure do.” said the first redneck. “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor. “That’s real good!” said the redneck. The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.” Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazin!” “And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife,” continued the professor. “That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck is obviously catching on. “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor. “You’re absolutely right!” exclaimed the redneck. Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!!” The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting. “So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend. “Math, History, and Logic!” replied the first redneck. “What in tarnation is logic???” asked his friend. “Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck. “No,” his friend replied. “You’re QUEER, ain’t ya?”
Question: What do you call a circle of blondes? Answer: A dope ring.
I woz here, but now I’m not,
I’m round da corner smokin’ pot!
I’ve wrote this message 2 prove a point,
Life is shit without a joint!
To err is human, to spark up divine….
Question: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu? Answer: Tokemon!
Pot will get you through times with no money, better then money will get you through times with no pot….
OK, so… it’s Jesus and he sees that planet earth is going down the drain and the reason is because so many people die because of something called… drugs. So he has to know about this kind of shit so he calls all the Apostles and tells them that they have to go down to earth to see for themselves what is going on and then go back to Heaven and report to Jesus… The Apostles go to different places on earth and after some time they come back to report what they saw. John comes and Jesus asks him “What did you find Johnny boy?” John: “I’ve got some funny stuff, that’s called hash…” Jesus: “Oh yeah? Let me try it to see what makes people like it…” he tries it and… he likes it! Then Paul comes with some cocaine… Jesus tries it and he likes that too!!! Then comes Peter with some LSD and Jesus is fucking stoned… He tries all kinds of dope from each and every one of the Apostles and in the end he welcomes Judas with a huge stoned smile… “Sssooooo….. Judas, my brother” he says, “What did you bring?” Judas: “Err… I brought the cops…”
These 2 guys are chatting: Guy One: “I love to smoke hash.” Guy Two: “Yea me too, but I heard it causes short term memory loss.” Guy One: “I’ve never seemed to have any problem with that.” Guy Two: “A problem with what?”
I’m not as think as you stoned I am….
Stoners live and stoners die,
But in the end we all get high,
So, if at first you don’t suceed,
Fuck this world and smoke some weed.
Question: What does Andy Pandy get when he goes down on Raggidy Ann? Answer: Cotton Mouth.
Don’t drink and drive, When you can Smoke and fly!
